for awhile now i have had a fear of dieing, and its directly related to a fear of getting older. it scares me to think that i have an inevitability ahead of me, and, i dont know when that fate will be relized.

worrying about it makes no diffrence.

i think im just going to spend more time outside from now on.

so im begining my quest to learn to relax. i studied alot today, a whole lot. me and my father that is. we went over all of the prelims for ECG monitering and all of the atrial ryhthms. tommorow im going to learn all of the drugs and doses, i made a rather long five page explination for all of the ones i am supposed to know with proper dosages, indications, contraindications, and interesting tips like how you can use valium on a seizeing nasely.

but, my father said, "go home and relax sean. your going to have to learn to do it somtime, its not like this class and job is gonna ever let up."

its true. ive chosen somthing i am familiar with. but who fucking cares...im to tired to wax intellectual about it...even after i do what i weakly define as rest i wont think about it.

im just going to enjoy some things. and stop comforting myself with food, entertainment, and sex. i have formed bad habits and i will break them. im still going to endulge...but properly.

man....sunday sure did make me sore...everywhere. my arms, legs, back, shoulders,stomach. all sore....few....and im addicted to poker now.

yesterday:

self motivation is based so much in self confidence that i can see how failure becomes an option in light of what a person wants for themselves. anyone can deny a want, and, its easy enough when they fear their own personal ego is at risk for offense. victory is a taste aquired, and i know this for fact. not everyone has the stomach for initiative. initative and victory go hand in hand, and hesitation is a symptom of a self sustained weakness based in low confidence. decesions have to be made, there is no reason to hesitate when they have to be made. without effort and initiative there will forever be a hole in that period of time when you choked on your gut and thouht about how you couldnt do it. and, you wont ever get that time back.

Today:

everything has a finer point to it. a question for example can be open ended or it can be inherintly specefic to get a response desired. if you ask only open ended questions you will get only open ended answers, if you ask only specefic questions you will be railroaded by the first assumption you based your question off of. likewise, bias is a charicter based in finer points by which you railroad yourself or open yourself to an unlimited amount of choice possibiltys that lead you only to what you want to see. and, underneath every part of this negligance is absolute denial of compassion and compramise. it is always easier to let the past win, step forward with the wrong foot, and deny with fervor the true nature of your decesions. because bias is a self serveing and a tottaly monogomous partner,  it always lies in your hands to strike down a prejudice based on foul and uneven ground.   

today was a real blast. morgan had her graduation party and had most of her good friends over to play. i got to hang out with alot of people i dont really see that often, i made some more good friends. we had a huge water fight. i was just chucking water baloons from inside the house and then chris and morgan pushed me outside after crippling my attempt at resistance. then brian soaked me with the hose. they tried to get sandy out forcefully but she just up and went home cause shes a punk like that. later on though everyone went to beaver vu bowling and that was great. there had to be atleast 15 of us tottal. apparently this happens every sunday so im gonna start going i think. i talked to amit about andrea for awhile, it was good to see him. i dont know him that well but hes a cool guy. he takes time to listen to what your saying, everytime i see him he asks about andrea. me and brittany made team awesome, which later grw to be team "better than every motherfucking one of you". we lost of course...not to many details, im really tired.

today was alot of fun. i woke up at 6:30 and got ready for class. i made my way to the fireground and waited around for awhile until everybody showed up. long story short, we broke of into four groups for four diffrent stations. my group, group 1, went to the smoke room to conduct search and rescue operations. the smoke room is a good sized building, it seems alot bigger when your on your hand and knees in total darkness. but, whats best about it is the fact thet there is nothing but obstruction littering every inch of the place. everything from a matress, to random boxes and bag, to plywood boards. its a real mess. or, as they say in the fire service "cluster fuck". me and my pal jhonny made our way in starting on the lefthand side. i had a haligan bar and he had a flat head axe, those were our sweeping tools. it was litterly black all around us, jhonny was the only way i knew where to go, i kepot ahold of his boot as we crawled and tapped him from time to time to let him know i was with him. he was good with communication and searching behind doors and boards and just about everythig. we got through no problem. then i lead the search and it went well. later on we finished up the other stations but id have to say the highlight was when we all went to china buffet for lunch. we dicked around quite a bit. this one kid from sydany..who laways just talks about being from sydany, ate about 20 peices of crab rangu. i was hoping he'd throw up in his mask cause the captain said "dont eat more than your mask can hold" right before we left out. we at for about thirty minutes, joked around, had a good time. trent, who has part ownership of extreme paintball, is going to take us out for a game some day. hes gonna give us free gear rental, all we have to buy is paintballs. the class is really comming togther as a team, and its really nice.

i came home and passed out for three hours. we were there from 8 to 3. it was alot of fun. we have our first liveburn in a few weeks i think, maybe next week. we'll get to do a search and rescue in a real fire and then we'll get to put it out.  my hands are sore, no more typing for me....damn, im leaveing alot out.

yes, andrea brings up a good point; a point made by some lovley african fellows acctually. "men argue; nature acts." relgiouse men, men of philosophy, and men of politics all make their way by being top grammarians. they usually, as in the cases i have observed, tend to perceive not much more than anyone else but more so put it into words easily understood by laymen. there is a huge diffrence between feeling and thinking, but, the diffrence is made and perceived and not acctual. feeling and thinking are two parts of the same whole, poets may strees one side while plato and his assanine antics will stress another. but, who really cares? there is little diffrence between speaking and feeling besides for the fact that words coupled with experince makes for understanding while the whole mechanism itself is being supported by emotional weight as an organ to base the whole god damn deal off of....but to get back to my point, most men will divide and conquer you. they will make you emotionol or take you to an intellectual place of "facts" and "truths" when the only fact you need to know is, anything they know you can know. its that simple, if they argue somthing to you, have them explain it. then, you will find their emotional base, and, if they chose to debase you because of emotional bias, you do the same. this is all useful because many men beleive that book work and scholarship will lead them to truth, when its a more personal approach than just studying and assumeing new facts to bolster your personal arsonal so you can act like a big dick in front of your girl at the library. a preist cant know god any better than i can, a physcian can explain to me a procedure and i can learn it, and an argument isnt just one battle but a series of growth spurts if done properly. it is assumed that one will try to take power in a debate, but if you really want to benefit then you have to run with it instead of against it. ahh..i am bored with this!

im a badass with knots! i can  tie off pike poles, ladders, axes, radial saws, hoses; all ready for the hoist!. good times. tonight we did the steps with hose again. i made it, no problem. i even had 1/4 of my tank left. but my fucking god, the mental strain was amazeing. i dindt even sing most of the time, i just breathed and thought about getting done. a couple of times i felt like giving in, but i didnt. those little fights are important, they let you know about yourself. next time im just going to think about the cheif on 9/11 who made it up to the 84th floor before losing his life. thats what the captain said to think about. i have a feeling that will get me going.

i read a firefighter online whoe said "god put me on this earth to preserve life and property". the two jobs of a fireman besides for scene stabilization. i wondered to myself, "is that what im here for?". i answered no, i dont really care much about property really..that will chnage however, once i see what it does to someone when its all they think they have and its suddenly taken away. but, regardless, there must be somthing i am sure of like him? or, maybe it is a confidence issue instead. i may not be able to realize with assurance that i am made for somthing specefic. he, he wa made to do his job; thought that does not mena his is nothing more than his duty. i hardly can think of anything i would be good at, somthing i would excell in or take great plessure in, but i feel strongly that is a falsehood inside of myself and it will fade with experince. i hardly beleive i passed my EMT-B, and because of that my confidence has risen. passing FF 1 will help me even more.

i think the brotherhood will be why i join the fire service. i love the feeling of having bonds rooted in somthing so plapable that it brings you to tears. i cry when i watch band of brothers or saving private ryan, somehow i understand in my heart of hearts what is being said even if it is cinema. the strength of one mans bond can help a thousand men reach any challenge, and even in perosnal failure, there is understanding. its as simple as pie, one for all and all for one. andrea said it, it isnt a thinking kind of thing. though, her refrence was diffrent; sometings are best untouched by the words of a minds eye. love and brotherhood being the two things sacred that i can think of, though love and brotherhood are acctually the same in my oppnion.

ahh..i am thirty and hungry and tired. hah, in closeing, i like to think about andrea as my companion. much of what i love most about brotherhood i feel i can find in her, and it envelops the love. we both like to complain about the same things anyhow...haha, like how much we suck at basketball and quiet because we sweat like hogs.

 

we strapped our gear on and stood for inspection. one of the members of group one had his mask split open when he came out of the can. it split right down the middle as soon a it hit the cold air. cheif trick was telling us, "this is the number one cause of firefighter faitalitys, get in there and learn. what you see will save you and your buddys one day. everyone in their career will experince this on a fire ground, dont be the one who doesnt get to talk about it." for some reason, anticipation is the most plessurable and most painful emotion anyone can have. i had a thick mix of both, the plessure and axniety. but, as with anyone at all, going headlong into somthing new is an event not enbalmed in absolute fearlessness. i suppose what i felt wasnt fear or anxiety so much as what someone feels when they are about to look into the face of any unknown. we walked into the can and sat on the small benchs. the instructor told us not to go on air, just hold our supply tubes and wait until his instruction. we rotated on the benchs for a little while, to get it down. everyone would have a chance to see two flashover directly overhead. then, we began. they let the room fill up with smoke before telling us to go on air. everyone was eager to get breathing, you could feel the room heating through your lips and the very fact that the fog from your mask vanished as the enviorment became overbearing of all others. the room filled with black, i kept my hand on the guys leg in front of me so i would know how far to rotate when the order was called. after awhile, you could see nothing. it was a slow rolling black, i started above your head, you could see the layering pressing onto your helmet. i poked it with my finger and watched it disrupt and evade my jab like a kid pokeing a pit full of snakes. then the layer dropped onto our feild of view, and my freinds helmet disappeared. it was scary at first, to think this will be my working condition. then, a faint orange appread on the horizen of the can. the light was so broken by particulates that all images in front of me were nothing but jumbles of movment indiscernable. i heard an order called out and i heard the hose come on. they asked us if we felt any water drop down and we replied no. that meant that the room was above 212 degrees, the tempature at which water evaporates. then, i hear another order. i couldnt see nor hear the vent above me opening to give fuel to the fire but it opned, and the entire room was then engulfed buy orange. it felt like what soldiers must feel while observeing an enemy aproach, in many ways it is the same thing, its a calming feeling. but, the orange persisted, still dull by smoke but the light grew more and more opressive. suddenly, all at once, the entire room was in bright orange flame. above me it looked like the ocean, the ripples and pulses of fire were bueatiful. it was now 1000 degrees plus, and our bottles were now hot. mt oxygen was so hot it singed my lips while i inhaled. but, i was more impressed by the fire above me, free burning only on the offgas of the four boareds that started the whole thing.

i eventually got to move to the front, and see the fire fingers roll through the smoke before flashover. they were suspended, feeding off of veins of then flamable gas. they were awesome, i wanted to reach up and touch one, but i knew that would be idiotic. gah..i must go..damn.

today in fire class, because we didnt do the stairs monday, we carried hose on the stairs today. im not sure how much a 50 foot roll of hose weighs lapped over your shoulder, im guessing 35 to 40 pounds. it was uncomfortable, but i was made to think we would only be doing 2 sets tonight. the first time up, no problem, second was a little ruff, the third time up i stopped singing for no more than 10 seconds and i became hyper ventelated. i made my way down about two flights when i relized my eyes were staying shut when i blinked and i was starting to feel sleepy. not like im drowsy sleepy, but like i wa going to indeed fall asleep on the spot. i stop at a landing by one of the cheifs and firefighters and relize i was about to pass out or become incapacitated so as i was keeled over i sort of leaned my arm into the cheif and by then i was slopping over. they started tearing my gear off of me, knocked the hose off of my shoulder, undid my SCBA and stripped me to my bunker pants. by then the fresh air was waking me up, my breathing slowed a little and the cheif leaned over and said "you look real bad buddy". i felt pretty bad. i lost control for a second and it did me in. the distributed my gear to the others, i got ahead of them and took it back because i wasnt going to have them carry my burden for my mistake. i feel bad, many of the others finished, i dindt. i rolled my hose however, still woozey, but i got it rolled and put up. i cant worry about it, ill get better, just like i did with breathing air and doing the stairs. fire isnt somthing to fuck with, and i need to be able to command myself and carry tools and use them with the skill needed for survival. one of the volunteers in englewood was saying how sinclair does to much PT and working out and how for a part timer like him, it isnt neccasary. but, the fire that kills a volunteer is the came kinda fire that can kill a career fireman, ts not to be taken lightly. i just have to work on my stamina and strength.

i had a rather enjoyable conversation today at arbys with a devout chatholic man named dean. i think he was homeless, it doesnt mater so much however. we talked about how we felt politics lacked virtue nowadays and how the only ethic a politician really holds dear is showmanship. we also talked about how we felt people lived to comfortably now. he was educated, i started to tell the story of how darius the persian was appraoched by some hillstribsman after aquireing some flat lands and they asked if they could use it for a home and darius refused them and said "weak lands make weak men". dean knew this story already, it was refreshing. he knew alot about chatholic preists and monks and nuns. he had some good quotes to share, one my mother teresa that i liked was "the only true poverty is having no one to love". another that was of note was a bishop in el salvador who was quoted as saying before he was murdered. "if you love the poor, weak, sick, and struggling you will be hated". this extended into conversation about the working class and the poor and how diffrent the suburbs are from the citys and how diffrent a small city is from a large one. i told him about my way of operation, understanding that my life is short and doing what i can for those after me is an important beleif of mine and he agreed it was important. we both like old time politics too, or more so old time presidents. i dont know about you but i want a president that can kick the shit out of someone and still keep peice of mind to be cordial but firm. bush would cry...and declare they have WMDs hidden..im done:)